Things She Might Not Tell You When Dealing With Infertility

Originally published on November 30, 2016

The moods. Feeling hormonal and emotional. The cost. The endless decisions. And so much more. These are some of the things a woman dealing with infertility might be wrestling with today. (Men wrestle with these things too, however I can’t really speak from a man’s perspective.)

Although I’ve written extensively about my experience in infertility, and although I’m willing to talk about it often, many (if not most) women struggling to conceive don’t want to tell you everything face-to-face. However, she’s likely struggling with at least one of these things this week:

Hormones and moods: In the past six years I’ve learned how to cope, at least most of the time. I might be a little bit quieter and just lie low when I’m feeling really cruddy. But throughout the course of a month, I certainly feel highs and lows, I feel hope and I feel deep disappointment. Hormonal changes are no joke – and I’ve come to recognize them quite well. And hormone-induced emotions when you’re on a fertility med just takes things to another level! (waiting for baby bird’s blog taught me the term hormotional!) I’m doing my best to stay steady, to remain steadfast throughout the highs and lows. I want to be like this person described in the Psalms: “He will have no fear of bad news. His heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.” (Psalm 112:7) My husband is the one I share everything with, so unfortunately for him, he knows my good days and my bad days. And in so many ways, he’s the one who keeps me steady and stable when I’m feeling hormotional.

Repeated disappointment: Imagine taking a test that will allow you to go the next level of your schooling, or your career, or whatever it may be. Imagine failing that test, then taking it again a month later and failing, and then repeating the experience a month later. I’ve had a “failed” attempt at pregnancy approximately 80 times in the past six and a half years. I use that term “failed” rather loosely because I fully trust that God knows what He’s doing. However, approximately every four weeks I feel a deep disappointment, and I must keep going. Women dealing with infertility are dealing with disappointment, each handling it in her own way. And it’s difficult.

Huge financial decisions: Those trying to conceive might be asking themselves some of these questions: What kind of health insurance should I get? Can one of us get a job that provides coverage for infertility treatment? If my insurance doesn’t cover infertility treatment, and I’m going to go to a fertility clinic, do I want to pursue treatment that costs hundreds, or thousands, or tens of thousands? A woman pursuing fertility treatments could easily spend $500 – $15,000 for ONE attempt at getting pregnant. There are no guarantees, even with these costs. I often think of the woman in the Bible who spent all her money on doctors, wasn’t healed, and was still bleeding, until she encountered Jesus, who changed her life.

Ethical decisions: I could probably write an entire book about the ethical questions surrounding a woman’s reproductive system. Women have so many opinions on the topic. Christians have very differing viewpoints. Each woman considering fertility treatment needs to ask herself what her options are, how God is directing the plan, and if or when to a draw a line of going no further to try to conceive. In-vitro fertilization is one of those decisions that must be prayed through. I’ve heard Christians say “God led me to IVF and I had a baby.” I’ve heard Christians say “I’m not at all comfortable with IVF.” I don’t have any clear answers for anyone today, however, know that people considering fertility treatment are being faced with major ethical decisions.

Medical issues: Maybe it’s because I was raised by parents who are medical professionals, and they could discuss a surgery over the dinner table, or maybe it’s because God has given me the ability to talk openly about many subjects, but I’m comfortable talking about a lot of medical issues. However, keep in mind that infertility is quite connected to someone’s reproductive body parts, and many people do not want to tell you what’s going on down there. Just know that these medical issues are usually pretty private.

Questioning God: I am thankful that my infertility journey has grown my faith tremendously. But I have those moments where I feel very discouraged and wonder if God will ever answer our prayers. Many people struggling to grow their families are wondering what God is thinking. He’s clearly not answering our prayers quickly or easily. We wonder if He will answer them at all. Infertility can be a faith crisis, just as it can be an opportunity to grow.

There’s no doubt about it, many people struggling to conceive are in the most difficult situation of their life. They might not want to tell you all of these things, so if you know someone struggling, just be aware that their bodies, minds, bank accounts, and faith might all be feeling the strain. Pray for them and let them know that you care!